Learning to Grieve
by PoeticJustice84
Summary: Tony takes Kate's death harder than anyone but his dad Gibbs realizes. Gibbs has to show him how to deal with his emotions regarding death and Kate.
1. Chapter 1

_**The characters in this story and all others I write are not mine. The belong to CBS, not me. **_

_**This story contains references to spanking, if that isn't your thing then please skip this one. **_

_Tony sat on the bed trying to shake of the sweat and faint tremors left over from the nightmare. Thank God, he hadn't yelled out. It was the third one this week and the first two had been so horrific that they had actually woken Gibbs. His dad was concerned enough as it was he didn't need Tony's emotional baggage on top of all that. He was resting now so Tony decided to leave him to it._

_Tony punched the switch and the coffee machine started to gurgle. At three in the morning, with only a few hours sleep in over a week, he had started drinking more and more of the stuff just to get through the day. Now just a day after Kate's funeral, he was too exhausted to function and too wired to sleep much. The constant nightmares made sure of that. _

_Carrying his coffee into the living room, Tony sat on the sofa and pulled his legs up under himself. He really wanted this to stop. He needed to sleep. His head hurt like hell and his body ached to high heaven. Maybe the coffee could somehow help with that, though he reeeally doubted it. _

_Gibbs waited until he saw his son sit the coffee mug on the end table before he made his move. The damn kid was going to be the death of him one day. He had acquired more gray hair since meeting Tony than he ever thought possible. Oh, sure, Tony tried his damnedest to hide his pain, to keep it all to himself so no one else worried, but Gibbs knew the boy too well. He saw the little changes in his son that no one else saw. He also heard the nightmares late into the night. _

_Quietly, so as not to spook his young charge, Gibbs walked up to his son and wrapped his arms around the still trembling kid. It took a moment, but eventually Tony leaned into the touch. The comfort both men found in the gesture was too much to pass up. Neither wanted to give an inch, but waiting had never been Tony's strong point. As soon as Gibbs felt the hot wet tears on his arm, he made his way to the side of his boy and wrapped him in a solid embrace. He knew Tony and Kate had been close and that this moment was just waiting for the right time to strike. Between the nightmares and blame Tony wrongfully placed on himself, this breakdown was a given. _

"_I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"_

_Gibbs cupped the back of his son's head and whispered into his ear. He didn't know how to make this easier._

"_Tony, son none of this is your fault. It's all on Ari. You didn't pull the trigger, bud. No one thinks this is your fault but you. I have never blamed you, buddy."_

"_I should have pushed her out of the way! She had family that loved her, and now she's gone! She was a better person than I'll ever be and I let her die!"_

_The shaking was so pronounced it shook Gibbs as well, but still he held on to his son. Tony needed this. _

"_Tony, please listen to me. You couldn't have done anything. It happened too fast. And yes Kate had a wonderful family and she was a wonderful person, but you're the one sitting up all night beating yourself up over something you had no control over. Tony you two had a funny way of showing it, but you loved each other like siblings, she wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. Tony, son I _hate seeing you like this."

"I'm sorry. I never wanted you to see any of this. It's stupid! I don't cry like this. I deal with shit and get over it!"

"I'm not him bud, I won't tell you any of that. I will tell you that it's ok to be upset, to be hurt, but it is never alright to take the blame for something that can and will never be your fault. So if you want to cry, go ahead and cry. Hell, scream your heart out if it helps, but don't you ever say this is your fault. Moreover, this is not stupid. This… is healthy."

Tony buried his chestnut head into his dad's chest and continued to sob. He missed her. He was tired of loosing people he cared about. He was tired of always being the strong one. He was tired of trying to be what everyone else wanted him to be. Hell, he was just fucking tired!

Gibbs called Jen a few hours later to inform her of his and Tony's need for a few days off. Tony was not alright, not by a long shot, but he would be, just as soon as Gibbs convinced him that he had nothing to feel guilty over. Tony just seemed to always be willing to take the blame onto himself, no matter the situation. Gibbs had to remedy that before his son finally broke for good. It would take more than a few days to fix the damage Tony's biological family had done to him, but maybe this could be a start. 

Tony groaned as he rolled his head. This was not his pillow; it was too warm and solid. The scent told him it was his dad. The unyielding arms wrapped around him told him that everything was going to be fine. Maybe not today, but eventually, he would get through this. He just had to trust his dad. 

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you angry?"

"Not with you. But, if you ever degrade yourself again you'll be over my knee so fast you won't know which way is up or down. I know you're familiar with the position and the hairbrush."

"I was afraid you would blame me. I thought you might want me gone."

Gibbs kissed his son's forehead before he tipped the green eyes upward, looking directly into his own steel blue ones.

"Never, Tony! I love you too much for that."

Tony leaned into his dad again and made himself comfortable. This just felt right. It felt safe.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone, sorry about the underlining in the 1st**** chapter, it has been fixed. Now I just want to thank you all for the great reviews and thanks everyone who added my stories or me as an author to their favorites list. You guys are amazing! On with the story.**

**NCIS and all characters in this story are not mine. If I owned them, boy would I have a hell of a time with Tony!**

**Now as you all know, this series is seriously AU so please no flames about the time line. **

Gibbs placed the cordless phone back onto the charger and resumed his Tony watching. The kid, in spite of everything he had been through, still seemed so innocent. Tony was much like a child in so many ways. And not the ways most people saw. Tony's innocence came from within. It came from a lifetime of being neglected and ignored by the very people who were supposed to care for him. Kate had seen the tip of the iceberg, but Tony had never let her close enough to see the real pain.

Gibbs remembered the first case he and Tony had worked after Kate joined them. Tony had been terrified of being replaced for months after. Nothing Gibbs said helped. Finally, the two of them seemed to settle into a sort of routine around each other. They tormented the hell out of each other, but at the end of the day, they really cared for one another. Hell that was evident in the way Kate reacted to Tony having the plague, in the way she stayed to offer him comfort even after she had been cleared. It was little wonder Tony was so distraught now. Kate was family and losing family hurt.

Gibbs rose from his perch to fix lunch. Tony hadn't been eating properly since losing Kate, maybe now with some of the tension off his chest he could relax more and actually listen to what his exhausted body was saying. Removing the chicken from the fridge, Gibbs set about making the enchiladas. One of Tony's secret favorites might encourage him to eat more. He also had a feeling that his guest might be able to do more than just that. He just hoped he didn't mess this up for Tony's sake. While he and his father still chatted some they were not close, but if anyone could bring Tony out of this depression, it was Jackson Gibbs. He and Tony actually had quite a bit in common. The two of them should hit it off just fine.

Tony rolled his head to the side, the scent of wood and coffee filled his nose. His head was pillowed on one of his dad's sweatshirts. Smiling, Tony followed the sounds of his dad in the kitchen. As he stood watching Gibbs, he realized just how much the man had done for him. And just how much he hadn't done in return. He wished there was some way to somehow pay him back, but nothing could ever come close to what Gibbs had done for him.

He was drawn out of his musings by his dad handing him a plate full of chicken enchiladas. The look in those piercing blue eyes told him all he needed to know. He sat down at the table and started eating.

"I guess you appetite returned."

"Yeah. I would tell you how long it's been since I ate, but you'd probably ground me for a year. So I'll just shut up now."

Gibbs chuckled at his son before taking a bit. Tony needed to see him happy and laughing, not sad and depressed. If Tony saw his dad moving on with his life maybe it would be easier for him to do so.

The rest of the day passed without incident, much to the relief of a very concerned dad. Gibbs made sure he was never far from Tony, whether they were working on the boat or watching a movie. It was important to let Tony know that not everyone was going to leave him when things got rough. Even dinner was a family affair, as Tony helped his dad make Halibut with Asian slaw. Dessert was a Lava cake Gibbs had been working on secretly. It somehow made Tony feel wanted and loved, as he never had in parents' mansion.

Gibbs loved that sated look on his son's face. It meant that for now things were alright. He just hoped Tony felt the same way when Jack arrived. He had yet to tell him. As he loaded the dishwasher, he contemplated telling him against not telling him until the ringing of the phone broke his concentration. It was probably just one of Tony's friends.

"Gibbs residence."

"Hi, you must be Tony!"

"Well we both seem to know who I am but I have yet to hear your name."

"Jackson Gibbs. And yes son Leroy does in fact have a father. Contrary to popular belief he was not raised by a pack of wolves."

Tony giggled at the thought, and then caught himself before he offended the man on the other end of the line.

"Speaking of Grumpy, is he busy?"

"He's loading the dishwasher but I can get him if you want."

"No. Just tell him that I should be there by at the latest noon tomorrow. Have a nice night Tony."

Tony was too stunned to respond. Jackson Gibbs was coming for a visit and his dad had said nothing. He would have to pack and then take off for his apartment later. He didn't want to be in the way when Jackson came down. He wanted his dad to have time with his father. Leaving for a few days seemed like the best idea.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, people I'm back, thanks for the wonderful reviews.**

The silence of the house unnerved Gibbs. When Tony was home, the place was never quiet. The kid was always talking or moving about the house. Usually the T.V. or the radio was on or even the computer. Now, though, the silence in the house almost seemed like an ominous warning. When his gut felt like this, something was off. With that thought, Gibbs took his stairs two at a time, then quickly shuffled over to Tony's door. He heard footsteps frantically striding around the room. Whatever had happened, it had his son in a panic.

Tony heard the door open just as he folded a pair of jeans and stuffed them in his bag. He knew his dad must be concerned, especially since Tony knew he looked like a rat on speed trying to pack, but if he started to talk now he knew for sure, he would lose what little composure he had. His dad had already seen him crying like a little girl once today, he did not think Gibbs would go for that a second time.

"Did I miss something?"

"No, I just forgot to tell you that your dad called. He said he would be here by noon tomorrow. I know you guys are not close, so I thought I would take off for a few days and give you two some time alone."

The response was so calm and well meaning that Gibbs almost laughed. This was turning into a fine mess. Tony was so obviously in need of reassurance, and so desperately trying to hide that. That alone made Gibbs want to wrap him up and take away all the pain and hurt for him. It also made him want to find Tony's father and let his fist do the talking.

"I didn't invite him because I wanted you to leave, kiddo. I wanted him to come down so he could meet you. And you're right, we don't exactly get along, but I think both of you might benefit from having each other around. He needs someone to keep him on his toes and you, Tony you just need someone to show you just how valuable you really are. I could say it until I'm blue in the face and you won't believe it, but if someone on the outside sees it also, then it has to be true right?"

Tony sat on the bed beside his dad and leaned into him. He thought he could leave and feel nothing, but just a few kind words from his dad and he no longer had the strength to move, much less leave.

"Besides, I realize that both Jack and I are not getting any younger and should probably put the past where it belongs. You can be a buffer of sorts, I guess."

Tony grinned at the thought as he brushed away tears. Surely, the relationship between the two couldn't be that bad.

"I don't want to be in the way. What if he doesn't want me around?"

"You talked to him, did he say that?"

Gibbs felt the chestnut head on his shoulder shake a "no", but still something had his son ready to escape.

"What _did_ he say?"

"To tell grumpy that he would be here by noon. I actually thought that was kind of funny."

Gibbs wrapped his arms around his boy and smiled, before kissing his head.

"I'll bet you did. Now, come on lets unpack."

"You're sure?"

"Tony, this is your home, no one can ever take that away. Not even my father. I want you here. I know you're safe here. I know you're taken care of when you're here. And most of the time I can keep you out of trouble."

"Ha-Ha!"

Gibbs smirked as he helped Tony unpack. One crisis diverted. Check! Now he just had to talk to his dad and let him in on this little problem. Jackson Gibbs knew many things about Tony, his insecurities, his talents, his humor, his fears, and even some of his medical history when Gibbs was particularly concerned. The dreaded plague incident was one such occasion. Gibbs had poured his soul out to his father at the very thought of losing Tony. When he thought back about it, he realized that he had never felt like that in his life. Watching Tony suffer tore him to pieces, especially knowing the only thing he could do was hold him through the worst of it.

The weeks of sick leave were no better. Gibbs fretted over every sniffle, every shiver. Finally when e allowed the stubborn kid to return to work, that damn car had blown up. His heart didn't start again until he saw his son's hand reach for the top of the hill. Even then, he worried that the boy was somehow hurt. The concussion and several strained muscles finally convinced Tony to let himself relax.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"What if I say something he doesn't like? Or what if he doesn't want me here?"

"He'll love you. Everyone loves you, son. How can you not see that?"

"There's not much to love."

The head slap was unexpected, but no less deserved.

"Don't you _ever _say that again. There is so much about you that is good Tony, and I promise I'll finally make you see that one day."

"I'm scared."

"Don't be. Just trust me, son."

Tony knew he could do that. Now all he had to do was convince Jackson Gibbs that he was the perfect son or grandson. He could do that.

**Sorry this is somewhat boring, I'm building up to the big Jack-Tony meeting. I promise there will be mere angst to come.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey y'all, sorry for the delay. School and family complications got in the way. But I'm back now so here we go. **

Tony was up before six the next morning preparing for Jackson's arrival. He wanted the house to be spotless, and everything to be in its place. Making a good impression on Gibbs' father was important to him. If Jackson did not like him, what were the chances Gibbs would want him in his life? The two were just starting to reconnect; they didn't need him getting in the way of that.

Gibbs watched Tony zip through the house cleaning and polishing every item in sight and some things not. He could tell that his son was a nervous wreck, but talking had no effect on him at that point. He realized that the only person who could calm the boy's fears was due to land in just over an hour. Grabbing his keys, Gibbs made for the door, taking Tony with him. The kid might be as skittish as a new born colt, but Gibbs had a feeling Jack could fix that.

Jackson Gibbs saw it right away; the fear and doubt in those bright green, world weary eyes. Leroy had not been exaggerating when he said the boy need some good old fashioned TLC. Despite how the kid tried to hide those emotions, they were written all over his young face.

"Dad! It's good to see you."

Jackson Gibbs embraced his son and chuckled. For the first time in many years, the two of them were not fighting.

"It's good to be here. Now tell me, is this the young man who somehow managed to get _you_ of all people to reconsider your lame-brained thinking?"

Tony's face turned a shade of red Gibbs had never seen on the kid. The dropping of the eyes, however, told Gibbs all he needed to know. If Tony was this uncomfortable now, the rest of the week would certainly be fascinating to watch.

"As a matter of fact, it is. Dad, this is Tony DiNozzo. Tony, this is my father, Jackson Gibbs."

Tony shook hands and respectfully uttered how nice it was to meet the man that made Gibbs, well…Gibbs. Jackson for his part noticed right off that something was making the boy uncomfortable. Remembering all that Leroy had told him about Tony's life and childhood, though quickly cleared up the matter. Tony had never seen how a pseudo normal father son relationship worked. He had probably never even considered that Jack would actually want to spend time with not only Leroy, but himself also. That thought made his heart hurt for the boy. He would have to fix this before he left.

Tony noticed that, unlike his son, Jackson Gibbs talked…a great deal. And when he talked, stories of his dad's misspent youth spilled forth. Tony found that the laughter these stories created gave him a way into the workings of Jackson Gibbs. The more the man talked and laughed, the more comfortable Tony became. Besides, the man who raised Gibbs could not possibly be anything other than the gentle, kind man he appeared to be. Gibbs was one of the gentlest people he knew, even if he rarely let most people see that. He had to have learned that from somewhere!

Gibbs exited the car, face flush with embarrassment. Seeing the look in Tony's eyes more than made up for the feeling. Hearing Tony laugh for the first time in days was worth the discomfort. Seeing his face light up made Gibbs' whole week. Tony had been so down on himself lately, it was nice to see him finally relax, even for just a short while.

Jackson noticed the spotlessness of the place as he entered. His son usually kept the place neat and tidy, but nothing about the house was neat or tidy now. It looked like an Obsessive-Compulsive crew of Mr. Clean maids had been through the place, no doubt Tony's preparations for his visit. He wondered why the kid felt he had to scrub the place squeaky clean just for him. He also wondered why his son had not called sooner. Tony needed so much he wasn't sure where to start. What kind of parents let their child go through life the way Tony seemed to? That was just one of many questions he wanted answers for before his visit came to an end.

Lunch was an affair, with both Tony and Jackson whipping up some blackened tilapia with a lemon zest spinach salad alongside it. Gibbs watched as, slowly, Tony started to let Jackson into his little world. He also saw his dad pick up on several traits in Tony that usually made the old man fume with anger. Tony's inability to see his own worth was just one of them.

"So, Leroy, did you ever get cable in this place?"

"Why yes, Dad I did. And if that isn't to your liking I'm sure one of Tony's DVD's would work. He has over a thousand."

"Well then I guess I'll just have to see if he has any taste in entertainment. Hanging around you can't be good for him."

Gibbs chuckled as his Tony led his dad into the den to pick out a movie. With any luck, the two of them would be thick as thieves by the end of the week. And just maybe, Jack could draw Tony out of that timid shell he always seemed to display around people he deemed important to Gibbs.

_**Austin Powers **_was not one of Gibbs' favorite films, in fact, he found it downright irritating, but both Tony and Jack enjoyed the sick humor. By the middle of the second movie Tony had drifted off with his head on his dad's lap. A sure sign that Jackson Gibbs had passed the Tony DiNozzo trust test.

"So, tell me, son, why that boy seems so lost."

Gibbs glanced at his father, ran his fingers through Tony's hair and began his story.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey y'all I back! Hope you guys are still with me. Sorry about the sporadic postings. Life has thrown me several curve balls and I am currently doing my level best to knock those bastards out of the park, so just hang with me I will finish this.**

Jack watched as his "grandson" tried to form some sort of apology. He was having none of it. The boy had done nothing wrong! If what Leroy had shared with him the night before was true, the kid should be the one demanding an apology. The universe had given Anthony DiNozzo Jr. a shitty deal, yet the kid said nothing of it. He just pushed through life and tried to be what everyone wanted him to be. Sure he played the fool most of the time but most people didn't see just how much that deflected them from seeing the truth.

"Kid, don't apologize for having a shitty upbringing and a crappy life. It was no fault of yours."

"Some of it was."

Jackson knew Tony was referring to Kate. Leroy had filled him in on that little fiasco also. What he couldn't see was how a sweet kid like Tony could carry all this on his shoulders. Didn't he realize that he had people who gave a damn now?

"How could you have known that bastard would fire at her? You, Tony DiNozzo are many amazing things, but one thing you are not is psychic. Kate's death was in no way your fault. I've heard all about the incident from Leroy, he doesn't blame you, boy. Why do you insist on blaming yourself?"

"Because I was standing right there!"

"So was Leroy."

"It doesn't matter; _I_ should have pushed her out of the way."

"Why is her life more important that yours son?"

"Kate was innately good. It's just who she was. I'm not. I'm not anything great. I'm no great talent, but Kate was. Everyone loved her. And now because I didn't act fast enough she's gone."

"Do you think Leroy would tell you that?"

"I don't know. I hope not, but logically I know he should."

"Tony, he never talked about Kate the way he talks about you. You're family, son. You fill a void in him I thought was forever empty. _You _do that, not Kate."

"He may not blame me but I'm certain everyone else does."

"Maybe you should ask them before you draw conclusions about their feelings. You might be surprised."

Jack watched as Tony let that sink in, then he sat beside him and pulled him close. Tony leaned into the touch like a child starved of attention and affection, and in many ways, Jack knew he was. A hug would not fix everything, but it was a nice starting point.

"Jack, what does he say about me?"

"Your dad?"

"Yeah."

"What doesn't he say? I hear all about the trouble you get into and the remarkable accomplishments you have. I hear about it every time you use some crazy scheme to solve a case. And I hear about it every time you let that wonderful person shine through. Your youth basketball team still the best in the league?"

"He told you about that?"

"I told you, he tells me everything!"

"Everything?"

"Everything. Even the little escapades that land your but in hot water."

Tony grinned at the thought. He was in trouble at least once a month; at least he insured that his dad and Jack had something to talk about.

"I do believe I see a smile."

"Thanks Jack."

"For what? Pointing out the obvious?"

"For listening and for helping understand some things. I can't promise that everything will be fine now, but I think maybe I can make it better."

With that thought in mind Tony knew where he had to go.

Gibbs saw his son head out the door as he approached the den. Usually Tony let him know if he was going to be gone.

"He's going to work through some things. Don't worry, he'll be fine. And if he's not, we'll be here."

"Is he alright?"

"Leroy that kid may never be alright. The hurt goes too deep."

"How do I help him?"

"You already are, son. You already are."


	6. Chapter 6

Gibbs found Tony sitting on the grass at the park, knees to his chest, arms crossed over them, with his head propped on them. He looked fairly peaceful considering the conversation that had just taken place. Maybe calling Jack had been a good idea after all. Then with Tony who knew. The kid was am master at hiding his true emotions when the need arose. He just hoped that Tony felt comfortable enough with himself and the feelings he was having to share them.

Tony sensed his dad even before the older man sat down beside him. The reassuring scent of wood and something that was uniquely Gibbs enveloped him, letting him know that his dad was not far away.

"Is Jack alright?"

"He's fine. Why wouldn't he be?"

"I kind of um…I said some things that should have been kept to myself. I really didn't mean to tell him so much, it just sort of happened."

Gibbs hid his smile. If his son knew just how small and childlike he sounded he might retreat into himself again. Besides he was well aware that Jackson Gibbs possessed special powers when it came to reading people. Especially Tony. Or himself.

"You didn't do anything wrong, son now or when Kate was killed. We all need someone in our corner, even me. I have you and Dad. And Ducky. You have me, Dad, Ducky, Abby, and heaven knows how many women lined up just waiting for a chance to see your _vulnerable side_. And no, I do not, nor will I ever blame you or anyone but Ari for Kate's death. Are we clear?"

"Yes."

Tony grinned and laid his head on his dad's shoulder. He thought about the only time he had ever attempted such with his father. He had been quickly and violently shoved away, as if he had the plague. _(No pun intended. OK, maybe pun intended.)_ Gibbs had never shoved him away. He had been the first person to pull him close and offer the comfort he so desperately sought but never realized he needed. The gruff ex marine had given him so much more than a job. He had given him a home. And now a family that actually wanted him.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to be like this."

"Tony, grief is a natural process. It isn't a weakness. I don't care what that bastard told you when your mother died, he was wrong, bud."

With his dad's arms wrapped around him, Tony finally allowed himself to grieve for Kate, for the friendship he lost, and if he was truthful with himself, for his mother.

**I know it's short but I wanted to get it finished. U guys deserve an ending. Thank u 4 waiting. Hope this makes up 4 it. My next fic is in the works. It is a Psych story. So look 4 me to post something from that in a few weeks. **


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